This Just In...

I can and WILL make 2011 a great year! I am optimistic, joyful and full of God's love. I know that while my financial status is in shambles at the moment, I am going to work extra hard to make next year one to remember. I know that when 2010 started I was head over heels in love with a boy and that was the greatest feeling in the world. I was floating and no one could bring me down from that cloud. However, that cloud has now fallen and going into the new year there will be no memorable kiss or dance or even that one glance that made my whole body tingle. It is funny how your emotions can change over time. How a person can go from being so needy to realizing that she needs NO ONE to make her whole, except God. I am going to put myself first and really love myself. I am not going to let people in general bring me down. I have said this a MILLION times before, I know. This time feels real, feels right. I will read scripture, I will pray, I will sit outside (when not freezing cold) and I will soak up Mother Earth.

I will become very independent and if he wants to share a life with me and really share it, then he will doing something extraordinary to show me he does, otherwise, I will float off into space.

Decisions...

Every single decision we make, can and will make or break something else in our life. I am learning this lesson the hard way, unfortunately. I wanted to say that by 32 I was prepared for all that could come my way but the honest truth is, I am prepared for absolutely nothing. I do not know how to be a mother, a friend, a daughter, a lover, a spouse. I only know what my heart tells me and I rely on it far more than I should. I follow my heart and its instinct above everything else. I am a hopeless romantic to a fault. I believe in things that I have been told, time and time again not to. So many people have tried their hardest to break my spirit and I fight. I keep fighting.

Why?

I have no clue.

Can I?

Can I just type every thought from my mind on this blog? I would scare whomever decides it is important enough to read. I am becoming so raw.

I am really starting to understand myself fully and am unsure who to share it with.  I want to just vent. I will just wait it out and if I still feel the same tomorrow, I will write.

Talk About Ramble...

I want to blog on here so many things that are making me so angry right now. I know I should just paint, or write some dark poem or just scream into my pillow. For the first time in my entire life I am having a true "meltdown" I want to be left alone and if people do want to speak to me it is in a loving and understanding manner. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and just hug me and tell me that I will be ok. That all this saddness and darkness will clear and I will one day again see light.

I am actually having to delete my Facebook profile because apparently it has become the be all end all of human connection and if there is ever a talk show that says "did Facebook ruin your life" I can honestly answer yes to that.

I am a failure at life and I am a loser. A FAT, LAZY, LOSER! I don't work, because I am too fat too, I can't have a positive relationship if it kills me and I am lonely.

I am not ever going to trust another actual human being again, I am sure of it. Because everyone says EXACTLY WHAT THE PERSON THEY ARE TALKING TOO WANTS TO HEAR. Never the truth or the "right thing" or honesty.

I was truly raised on "honesty is the best policy" and that is NO LONGER THE CASE in my life. Everyone around me wants to please everyone else instead of standing up for what is right and just.

I need a hero. I need a superman in my life. I need a man who will say to me "that no matter what, honest will prevail and we will find a solution"

I have lived in a fake fairytale for almost a year come next Thursday and it is time I move on and find me a Champion!

I am God's child and I deserve happiness but above all, I deserve LOVE, RESPECT AND HONESTY...

I will now get off my soapbox...Goodnight

xoxo

Butterfinger Blizzards...

I have the newest obsession and I am not sure it is a healthy one. I am head over heels in love with Butterfinger Blizzards or anything that has Butterfinger and ice cream mixed together! I ask for EXTRA Butterfinger! I wake up wanting one.

The End.

Relationship Salvation?

Why is it that when you have the worst day ever with your partner that one sentence, one look or one mouthwatering kiss can change everything and make you forget the whole reason you were mad in the first place? Well, folks, it happened to me yesterday and might I add, the words "I need you" are often times better than "I love you" When he said those words to me yesterday with tears in his eyes, I forgot all about being mad at him. He has done some pretty crappy things in the last few months that have made me question the entire relationship - deal breakers - but as of yesterday, all is forgiven and we are back on track to total bliss.

This week, anyways!

Relationship Anarchy...

My current relationship is actually a disaster. I came into this with my heart wide open and my thoughts clear. I had my heart broken before and I knew what to do for it not to happen again. Then it started happening again and I sat down and really started analyzing everything. I can and will analyze every glance, look, breath or comment my partner makes, not really sure why other than my total and utter insecurity. I will make things seem far more complicated than they really are and I will never know how to love myself first so others can love me too. I push myself away from myself. I see this daily. I have conversations with myself about myself. I feel medicated all the time. I guess that is because I am medicated. I have made this blog my truth serum while Facebook continues to be cheery and bright. I don't want anyone to really know how I feel. I don't want to let the whole world know my life is really in pieces and has been for awhile now. I am in a fairytale gone bad. I am living with a man who also can not forgive or love himself, so it is like we are perpetually going to go in circles with all our issues. I want a divorce and we are not even married, yet I don't want to ever think of life without his arms around me. I am a hopeless romantic to a very bad fault. I daydream when not necessary at all and I envision life with my prince and then I wake up and he is there. I look at him while he is sleeping and I wonder what his thoughts really are. I am constantly wondering if I add up, if I measure up to the idea he has in a mate. He verbally says I love you, but sometimes I feel like it comes from a place of what is suppose to happen next.

To top it all off, I have a dear friend (whom I have grown to truly love in a very short time) that has a husband that I can not stand and as of recently has been acting like a total and complete douchebag. She is beautiful and she deserves so much more than he has to offer her.

When we look into our partners eyes, we want to see the love we give, returned. Completely. We see hearts and we want the hearts to float back.

I do believe that this blog is unread by most and it is fine with me. This is an easy way for me to vent and know that maybe somewhere out there someone is reading this saying "thats totally how I feel" but I highly doubt it. I will continue to "fake it" on Facebook and be "real" here. It's almost a double life so to speak. A double life I can live with, for now.

Can We Survive Life?

There comes a time in all our lives where we stop and evaluate EVERYTHING. I have done this so many times in my 31 years I can not even keep track anymore. With each evaluation, however, I become wiser and much more aware of my surroundings and my life. I never thought I would say this, probably never will again so listen closely, Life is BULLSHIT! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for life, but everyday I am reminded that NOTHING has or ever will go my way. I have survived so many forms of abuse it has gotten to large to count. I have been emotionally and physically abused my entire life. I can not escape this. I have tried.

Even  in my new relationship that seems so perfect on the outside and to the outside world, I am hurting. I really can not admit this to anyone. I am starting to feel like I am the problem in all my relationships. I have yet to have a healthy one. At the beginning of all relationships it is magical and an adventure. Then day to day life sets in and all the reality becomes stale and mundane. I have yet to figure out men. I have yet to even really, truly, figure out myself.

I want to be FREE. I want to feel loved, be loved, love...I want so many things. I tried "positivity" it did not work out for me. I tried praying. I tried reading. I tried silence. I tried men. I tried women. I tried lust. I tried masturbation. I tried it ALL and NOTHING makes me feel whole, unique, loved, full, - Except writing or painting. The two things I have ceased doing since I got in this relationship. I let people define me. I let other people tell me how I should feel. I let others talk about me, walk all over me...

I also can not finish ANYTHING I start. I can not pick a major in college. I can not stay focused. I can't get laundry caught up. I can not smile without it being fake. I can not stop taking the medication because it numbs my being. I can not stop thinking about Diego. I can not stop working on a blank piece of paper. I can no longer pretend I am full of Glee. I am not. This is not just a bad day for me, this is a bad existence.

I can not believe I opened up this much in this blog and was so raw. I will regret writing all this tomorrow, I am sure of it, but for now - They are my feelings, exposed for all to see.

2011. What?

Is it really almost 2011? This year flew by like a frisbee. I just can't even believe I got this far. In 2009 I thought that I would never see 2010 and really ever feel alive again and I laid and cried about this many, many nights. I laid and wondered if I ever would find "him" or if I would ever be skinny. Truth is that now I know because, (it is the future) that it all turned out ok, with a few bumps in the road and a little heartbreak, I survived 2009, and most of 2010. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good mom to my ONLY child (even though she does not share my DNA, I still want to be good to her and for her) I just can't seem (even with the prozac) to kick depression OUT of my bed! I want it to vanish, never to return.

I will hope for 2011.

Birthdays...

As my 32nd Birthday approaches, I am once again reminded that time is not on my side anymore. I find myself constantly thinking, rethinking, and thinking again always analyzing every ones words to me. I get my feelings hurt so easily these days. I need tougher skin. I truly do. I can not seem to shake that "feeling bullied" syndrome I had as a child. When I was younger I was awkward and thin with large knee caps and bright "orange-red" hair and tons of freckles and pale vampire white skin. Kids just disliked me, so I tried harder. Teachers disliked me even more, so I tried even harder. I sometimes wonder if my intelligence level would have been higher had I had a normal adjusted childhood...See there I go, even when blogging I start analyzing things. I really want my 30's to be far better than my 20's and while my marriage has ended the possibilities for me are astronomical and I am on the verge of extraordinary, I can just feel it.

New To This Whole Blogging Thing...

How far behind am I that I just now signed up to "Blog"? I have so much to say constantly and it would make sense that I share all of my ramblings with perfect strangers, right? WRONG! I guess I just now realized that this would be a perfect outlet for my ongoing personality issues. I choose my attitude everyday and all I do is post one to two sentances on Facebook each morning, afternoon and evening telling all 300 something friends bits and pieces of my day. How boring am I that everytime I have a thought, I run to Facebook to post it? I should be living my life not electronically recording it...

I am sure this blog with not entertain anyone and thats ok. I think I just wanted to do it for myself anyways. I want to feel "important" enough to actually have a blog. (Thank goodness it is free) I will just TRY and limit myself to a post ONCE a day...We shall see how that goes.

Anywho, if anyone did decide to read this, Hi! If not, cool. I hope to make some new friends along the way. I hope to share experiences, recipes, love, lust and life with as many people as I can before I go Home to my Lord. I want to take the time I am given here with my earthly family and make it AWESOME!

XOXO