My current relationship is actually a disaster. I came into this with my heart wide open and my thoughts clear. I had my heart broken before and I knew what to do for it not to happen again. Then it started happening again and I sat down and really started analyzing everything. I can and will analyze every glance, look, breath or comment my partner makes, not really sure why other than my total and utter insecurity. I will make things seem far more complicated than they really are and I will never know how to love myself first so others can love me too. I push myself away from myself. I see this daily. I have conversations with myself about myself. I feel medicated all the time. I guess that is because I am medicated. I have made this blog my truth serum while Facebook continues to be cheery and bright. I don't want anyone to really know how I feel. I don't want to let the whole world know my life is really in pieces and has been for awhile now. I am in a fairytale gone bad. I am living with a man who also can not forgive or love himself, so it is like we are perpetually going to go in circles with all our issues. I want a divorce and we are not even married, yet I don't want to ever think of life without his arms around me. I am a hopeless romantic to a very bad fault. I daydream when not necessary at all and I envision life with my prince and then I wake up and he is there. I look at him while he is sleeping and I wonder what his thoughts really are. I am constantly wondering if I add up, if I measure up to the idea he has in a mate. He verbally says I love you, but sometimes I feel like it comes from a place of what is suppose to happen next.
To top it all off, I have a dear friend (whom I have grown to truly love in a very short time) that has a husband that I can not stand and as of recently has been acting like a total and complete douchebag. She is beautiful and she deserves so much more than he has to offer her.
When we look into our partners eyes, we want to see the love we give, returned. Completely. We see hearts and we want the hearts to float back.
I do believe that this blog is unread by most and it is fine with me. This is an easy way for me to vent and know that maybe somewhere out there someone is reading this saying "thats totally how I feel" but I highly doubt it. I will continue to "fake it" on Facebook and be "real" here. It's almost a double life so to speak. A double life I can live with, for now.
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