There comes a time in all our lives where we stop and evaluate EVERYTHING. I have done this so many times in my 31 years I can not even keep track anymore. With each evaluation, however, I become wiser and much more aware of my surroundings and my life. I never thought I would say this, probably never will again so listen closely, Life is BULLSHIT! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for life, but everyday I am reminded that NOTHING has or ever will go my way. I have survived so many forms of abuse it has gotten to large to count. I have been emotionally and physically abused my entire life. I can not escape this. I have tried.
Even in my new relationship that seems so perfect on the outside and to the outside world, I am hurting. I really can not admit this to anyone. I am starting to feel like I am the problem in all my relationships. I have yet to have a healthy one. At the beginning of all relationships it is magical and an adventure. Then day to day life sets in and all the reality becomes stale and mundane. I have yet to figure out men. I have yet to even really, truly, figure out myself.
I want to be FREE. I want to feel loved, be loved, love...I want so many things. I tried "positivity" it did not work out for me. I tried praying. I tried reading. I tried silence. I tried men. I tried women. I tried lust. I tried masturbation. I tried it ALL and NOTHING makes me feel whole, unique, loved, full, - Except writing or painting. The two things I have ceased doing since I got in this relationship. I let people define me. I let other people tell me how I should feel. I let others talk about me, walk all over me...
I also can not finish ANYTHING I start. I can not pick a major in college. I can not stay focused. I can't get laundry caught up. I can not smile without it being fake. I can not stop taking the medication because it numbs my being. I can not stop thinking about Diego. I can not stop working on a blank piece of paper. I can no longer pretend I am full of Glee. I am not. This is not just a bad day for me, this is a bad existence.
I can not believe I opened up this much in this blog and was so raw. I will regret writing all this tomorrow, I am sure of it, but for now - They are my feelings, exposed for all to see.
Just a couple of thoughts ....
ReplyDelete"I am starting to feel like I am the problem in all my relationships."
Ummm, ... I hate to say this, but you are probably the only common factor that all those relationships share, especially if they have been as many and varied as you say. And they have all gone bad? If you were a little kid with limited experience of the world, that might just be bad luck. But if you are past 30, then it does start to look like one of two things is going on. Either (1) you are choosing situations that can't work out; or (2) your standards for what it takes to count as "working out" are unrealistic. I don't know you so I don't know which it is. But those do seem to be the choices.
"I want to be FREE. I want to feel loved, be loved, love.... NOTHING makes me feel whole, unique, loved, full, - Except writing or painting." Well, for Heaven's sake get back to writing and painting. That's the first thing. Beyond that ... You say you have tried everything. Have you tried lowering your standards? (I don't mean your standards for other people, but just your expectations for how much gratification it is actually possible to get out of the world.) And have you tried discussing this with your psychiatrist (or whoever prescribes the prozac)? I don't want to trivialize a deep spiritual unrest by saying it's just a chemical problem, but I think it has to be worth checking all the possibilities.
Free advice is usually worth what you paid for it, so I'm not offended if you decide everything I've said is crap ....