This Just In...

I can and WILL make 2011 a great year! I am optimistic, joyful and full of God's love. I know that while my financial status is in shambles at the moment, I am going to work extra hard to make next year one to remember. I know that when 2010 started I was head over heels in love with a boy and that was the greatest feeling in the world. I was floating and no one could bring me down from that cloud. However, that cloud has now fallen and going into the new year there will be no memorable kiss or dance or even that one glance that made my whole body tingle. It is funny how your emotions can change over time. How a person can go from being so needy to realizing that she needs NO ONE to make her whole, except God. I am going to put myself first and really love myself. I am not going to let people in general bring me down. I have said this a MILLION times before, I know. This time feels real, feels right. I will read scripture, I will pray, I will sit outside (when not freezing cold) and I will soak up Mother Earth.

I will become very independent and if he wants to share a life with me and really share it, then he will doing something extraordinary to show me he does, otherwise, I will float off into space.

Decisions...

Every single decision we make, can and will make or break something else in our life. I am learning this lesson the hard way, unfortunately. I wanted to say that by 32 I was prepared for all that could come my way but the honest truth is, I am prepared for absolutely nothing. I do not know how to be a mother, a friend, a daughter, a lover, a spouse. I only know what my heart tells me and I rely on it far more than I should. I follow my heart and its instinct above everything else. I am a hopeless romantic to a fault. I believe in things that I have been told, time and time again not to. So many people have tried their hardest to break my spirit and I fight. I keep fighting.

Why?

I have no clue.

Can I?

Can I just type every thought from my mind on this blog? I would scare whomever decides it is important enough to read. I am becoming so raw.

I am really starting to understand myself fully and am unsure who to share it with.  I want to just vent. I will just wait it out and if I still feel the same tomorrow, I will write.

Talk About Ramble...

I want to blog on here so many things that are making me so angry right now. I know I should just paint, or write some dark poem or just scream into my pillow. For the first time in my entire life I am having a true "meltdown" I want to be left alone and if people do want to speak to me it is in a loving and understanding manner. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and just hug me and tell me that I will be ok. That all this saddness and darkness will clear and I will one day again see light.

I am actually having to delete my Facebook profile because apparently it has become the be all end all of human connection and if there is ever a talk show that says "did Facebook ruin your life" I can honestly answer yes to that.

I am a failure at life and I am a loser. A FAT, LAZY, LOSER! I don't work, because I am too fat too, I can't have a positive relationship if it kills me and I am lonely.

I am not ever going to trust another actual human being again, I am sure of it. Because everyone says EXACTLY WHAT THE PERSON THEY ARE TALKING TOO WANTS TO HEAR. Never the truth or the "right thing" or honesty.

I was truly raised on "honesty is the best policy" and that is NO LONGER THE CASE in my life. Everyone around me wants to please everyone else instead of standing up for what is right and just.

I need a hero. I need a superman in my life. I need a man who will say to me "that no matter what, honest will prevail and we will find a solution"

I have lived in a fake fairytale for almost a year come next Thursday and it is time I move on and find me a Champion!

I am God's child and I deserve happiness but above all, I deserve LOVE, RESPECT AND HONESTY...

I will now get off my soapbox...Goodnight

xoxo