Butterfinger Blizzards...

I have the newest obsession and I am not sure it is a healthy one. I am head over heels in love with Butterfinger Blizzards or anything that has Butterfinger and ice cream mixed together! I ask for EXTRA Butterfinger! I wake up wanting one.

The End.

Relationship Salvation?

Why is it that when you have the worst day ever with your partner that one sentence, one look or one mouthwatering kiss can change everything and make you forget the whole reason you were mad in the first place? Well, folks, it happened to me yesterday and might I add, the words "I need you" are often times better than "I love you" When he said those words to me yesterday with tears in his eyes, I forgot all about being mad at him. He has done some pretty crappy things in the last few months that have made me question the entire relationship - deal breakers - but as of yesterday, all is forgiven and we are back on track to total bliss.

This week, anyways!

Relationship Anarchy...

My current relationship is actually a disaster. I came into this with my heart wide open and my thoughts clear. I had my heart broken before and I knew what to do for it not to happen again. Then it started happening again and I sat down and really started analyzing everything. I can and will analyze every glance, look, breath or comment my partner makes, not really sure why other than my total and utter insecurity. I will make things seem far more complicated than they really are and I will never know how to love myself first so others can love me too. I push myself away from myself. I see this daily. I have conversations with myself about myself. I feel medicated all the time. I guess that is because I am medicated. I have made this blog my truth serum while Facebook continues to be cheery and bright. I don't want anyone to really know how I feel. I don't want to let the whole world know my life is really in pieces and has been for awhile now. I am in a fairytale gone bad. I am living with a man who also can not forgive or love himself, so it is like we are perpetually going to go in circles with all our issues. I want a divorce and we are not even married, yet I don't want to ever think of life without his arms around me. I am a hopeless romantic to a very bad fault. I daydream when not necessary at all and I envision life with my prince and then I wake up and he is there. I look at him while he is sleeping and I wonder what his thoughts really are. I am constantly wondering if I add up, if I measure up to the idea he has in a mate. He verbally says I love you, but sometimes I feel like it comes from a place of what is suppose to happen next.

To top it all off, I have a dear friend (whom I have grown to truly love in a very short time) that has a husband that I can not stand and as of recently has been acting like a total and complete douchebag. She is beautiful and she deserves so much more than he has to offer her.

When we look into our partners eyes, we want to see the love we give, returned. Completely. We see hearts and we want the hearts to float back.

I do believe that this blog is unread by most and it is fine with me. This is an easy way for me to vent and know that maybe somewhere out there someone is reading this saying "thats totally how I feel" but I highly doubt it. I will continue to "fake it" on Facebook and be "real" here. It's almost a double life so to speak. A double life I can live with, for now.

Can We Survive Life?

There comes a time in all our lives where we stop and evaluate EVERYTHING. I have done this so many times in my 31 years I can not even keep track anymore. With each evaluation, however, I become wiser and much more aware of my surroundings and my life. I never thought I would say this, probably never will again so listen closely, Life is BULLSHIT! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for life, but everyday I am reminded that NOTHING has or ever will go my way. I have survived so many forms of abuse it has gotten to large to count. I have been emotionally and physically abused my entire life. I can not escape this. I have tried.

Even  in my new relationship that seems so perfect on the outside and to the outside world, I am hurting. I really can not admit this to anyone. I am starting to feel like I am the problem in all my relationships. I have yet to have a healthy one. At the beginning of all relationships it is magical and an adventure. Then day to day life sets in and all the reality becomes stale and mundane. I have yet to figure out men. I have yet to even really, truly, figure out myself.

I want to be FREE. I want to feel loved, be loved, love...I want so many things. I tried "positivity" it did not work out for me. I tried praying. I tried reading. I tried silence. I tried men. I tried women. I tried lust. I tried masturbation. I tried it ALL and NOTHING makes me feel whole, unique, loved, full, - Except writing or painting. The two things I have ceased doing since I got in this relationship. I let people define me. I let other people tell me how I should feel. I let others talk about me, walk all over me...

I also can not finish ANYTHING I start. I can not pick a major in college. I can not stay focused. I can't get laundry caught up. I can not smile without it being fake. I can not stop taking the medication because it numbs my being. I can not stop thinking about Diego. I can not stop working on a blank piece of paper. I can no longer pretend I am full of Glee. I am not. This is not just a bad day for me, this is a bad existence.

I can not believe I opened up this much in this blog and was so raw. I will regret writing all this tomorrow, I am sure of it, but for now - They are my feelings, exposed for all to see.