Curve Ball...

Life really has a funny way of throwing us curve balls. When we least expect it, BAM - right in the forehead. My curve ball, you ask. Karaoke. I love Karaoke, don't get me wrong and it is something I will love to do for the rest of my life. However, my once hobby has now turned into something, bigger and often people say, greater...I do not want to get burnt out on Karaoke. I want to love it as much next month as I do right now. I can not say that being in bars all the time is something I want to spend my life doing. I want SO many things. I want to be a mother, a journalist, a singer, a grandmother someday. I want to do and see so many things. People often take their "hobbies" and turn them into their business. I would be ok with that, IF I got to spend the down time doing things I loved to do with the man I love.

At first, he heard me. I know he can see my heart's desire, they are in front of him constantly. I have hinted, I have even told him point blank - "take me on a picnic at the park, but I want you to plan it and it be your idea" "I wanna read with you, study with you go to Church and bible class, with you" I got nothing. He always says it is because of funds or financial reasons -

There are SO many things a person can do with no money. Be creative. Wow me. I need to be wowed...

Weather and Candles...

I believe the saying is that outer weather reflects inner weather, well in my case it is opposite. Rain makes me so happy. The smell, the taste and just how it sounds hitting the roofs and the ground. I love it. Here is Texas we have been without mother natures water for quite some time. However, for the past two days we have had down pours. I just really think that I could live somewhere where it rains all the time. My favorite scent my whole life has been the smell of rain on hot pavement - well that and pine sol. I love the smell of clean as well. You know if people at glade could bottled up that smell of rain on pavement, I do believe I would have a candle in every room. I would also burn pine sol scented candles. Nothing better than coming home to the smell of clean. Being a dog owner and lover, I am constantly afraid that my house smells like I have dogs. So I try to overcome that with sinks full of pine sol and with a sink full of warm water and pine sol (original scent ONLY) you can really have a fantastic smelling home.

Tonight I sit outside on the porch at Turkey Creek, in the country, in Alvarado Texas and I am loving life.

Country Karaoke...

This is something I have truly come to enjoy and feel ease about. We do a fantastic live show, I am not going to lie. But when we do this little bar in the middle of nowhere on Thursdays and Fridays, I am just filled with joy. While I do enjoy the big crowds, the clapping and all the love that I get from people who come out. I LOVE the small venue, it is personal and enjoyable and makes me feel the most comfortable. This is where I can come out on the porch and sip a drink while the train hails in the background and the smell of rain illuminates the air. I watch these older men who you can tell their lives have not been kind to them, they drink, they flirt and inevitably - they get in there small economy sized cars and they drive home, where probably waiting is a really angry wife - who just wishes secretly he would love her just a little bit more, instead of the alcohol. It is all sad really. My purpose in all this? To bring the joy of music to all different types of people during their work weeks. I lived in a marriage where I prayed daily he would choose me over the booze, while I won in the end and he is almost 5 years sober, the booze actually was the victor because we are no longer together because all those days and nights of drinking made me fall out of love with him. In the most difficult way possible, we became best friends. There are all these ironic things about what I do now on a weekly basis. Through it all, I am growing, I am changing and ultimately - I will find peace. In the meantime, I will sing my country karaoke with my country friends and I will love every single second of it.

Say Yes to the Dress: TLC

I am leaving Texas today to go to the big apple and find me a wedding dress, I hope. I have so many fears about this journey but am ready to take it, head on. TLC will be filming me while I shop for my dress, I am on season 2 of Big Bliss. People probably think I am crazy for putting myself out there like this. I will be emotional and unsure if I can make it without loosing it. I am ready to take this adventure, put myself out there for the whole world to see and show people that plus size women are just as happy, fun and fabulous and anyone else! I am uber excited to share my story of love and laughter with the world. I am also excited that Jimbo gets to do this with me. This is our first trip out of Texas together and I am so grateful for him in my life. He is my joy. While some days I want to kill him (joking) I don't. I love him SO much and am hoping NYC brings us to finding that one dress that we say YES to!

Wedding Day...

Well I am now officially engaged and I have not blogged since I got the ring...I am just still floating in the abyss wondering when I will loose all that is in front of me, because I always do. Nothing ever, ever goes the way I plan. I am optimistic this will be the time where I finally get my prince. I am still leary, just because I have no trust and that is something I need to seriously work on, or I should'nt get married, right? I know NO ONE reads this, but I am certain that my rambling makes ME feel better...lol I am just going to pray and pray daily that God directs me in the path HE wants for me and no one else.

This Just In...

I can and WILL make 2011 a great year! I am optimistic, joyful and full of God's love. I know that while my financial status is in shambles at the moment, I am going to work extra hard to make next year one to remember. I know that when 2010 started I was head over heels in love with a boy and that was the greatest feeling in the world. I was floating and no one could bring me down from that cloud. However, that cloud has now fallen and going into the new year there will be no memorable kiss or dance or even that one glance that made my whole body tingle. It is funny how your emotions can change over time. How a person can go from being so needy to realizing that she needs NO ONE to make her whole, except God. I am going to put myself first and really love myself. I am not going to let people in general bring me down. I have said this a MILLION times before, I know. This time feels real, feels right. I will read scripture, I will pray, I will sit outside (when not freezing cold) and I will soak up Mother Earth.

I will become very independent and if he wants to share a life with me and really share it, then he will doing something extraordinary to show me he does, otherwise, I will float off into space.

Decisions...

Every single decision we make, can and will make or break something else in our life. I am learning this lesson the hard way, unfortunately. I wanted to say that by 32 I was prepared for all that could come my way but the honest truth is, I am prepared for absolutely nothing. I do not know how to be a mother, a friend, a daughter, a lover, a spouse. I only know what my heart tells me and I rely on it far more than I should. I follow my heart and its instinct above everything else. I am a hopeless romantic to a fault. I believe in things that I have been told, time and time again not to. So many people have tried their hardest to break my spirit and I fight. I keep fighting.

Why?

I have no clue.